My hearts been heavy lately. I can’t explain why. I’ve racked my brain. Is it an anniversary of something? anything? big or small with Alo? And I come up blank every time. But I don’t think these waves of ache only happen during those monumental dates you dread and will forever have engrained in your brain. It’s just grief. It’s just loss. It’s just the hole in your heart aching that will never actually go away.
But I’ve noticed during my latest ‘funk’ that what I truly need in those moments are my ‘people’. My friends. All the real friends in my life who know exactly what to say. Whether it’s a sweet ‘Carrie I love you and I’m here what can I do?’ or ‘you aren’t being yourself – what the hell is going on?’ or even better…’don’t be a PAB (unfortunately that’s not PG so can’t add an explanation there ha)’. As I sat at Mexican and laughed my buns off with some of my closest friends the other night I realized…that’s all I needed. Sometimes it’s simple. And it brings happy tears to my cheeks as I write that. Because I’m so damn thankful for each and every one of you. Beyond words.
I sat at Pure Barre last night, in my rockstar attire (it’s spirit week so we all dressed up), listening to a good friend chat with clients dressed in her Tina Turner attire. And I’m telling you, her outfit was on fleek (as the cool kids would say). She rocked it. She taught 3 barres class in it and worked the room like no other.
Her and I have something in common we truly wished we didn’t, but we do. We both lost the loves of our lives. But it’s interesting how life puts the right people in your life at just the right time. And I’m so thankful for that. I sat in the office in Barre last night and just had a moment. I suddenly got chills. No I didn’t cry. And no one knew. But I had a moment where I thought – wow. Loss realllllllly makes you so incredibly strong. Loss really changes you. And my friend is a perfect example. No I haven’t known her long. And I didn’t know her before tragedy struck her life. But I do know for a fact she is a different person. She is probably one of the strongest humans I know. She was dealt a some real tough cards, and you’d never know it for a second if you met her. She exudes joy. She radiates positivity. She always has a smile on her face. And she is fearless. We both actually became Barre instructors for the challenge. For the sense of personal fulfillment of accomplishing something that takes a lot of time and dedication. We never talked about it together. We did it at different times. But it shows once again what loss does to you. It makes you fearless. It makes you want to face your fears. To constantly challenge yourself. You’ve already faced the unthinkable, so what can really be that scary now in life? And the feeling of knowing you have been to hell and back yet you wake up everyday and dominate life is a pretty badass feeling.
I would do anything in my power to have Alo back. I miss him every day. But seeing as how nothing I can do or wish is going to bring him back… I’m trying to make myself see the light of it all. And one thing I know for sure is – his presence in my life for 6 years, and his loss combined, has molded me into the incredicly strong individual I am today. If it wasn’t for his fearless/carefree personality there are so many things I may not ever have tried. But I did. Because he pushed me. I was already independent. I was already strong. But losing him has forced me to be that much stronger. And my stubbornness also helps. Because if you know me – you know I’m stubborn. I won’t allow this tragedy to ruin me. Or my life. Or my bleeding heart. He wouldn’t want that. And I know he would be SO ridiculously proud of everything I’ve accomplished since he’s been gone.
A good friend gave me this card and I read it often:
‘You’ve been through hell and come out singing’ and she wrote..’This is your year to sing’
I won’t quit singing. And I’m going to sing as loud as hell.