An explanation of the unexplainable

This blog post is raw. It’s real. Sometimes writing and letting it out is just what I need. It’s an outlet. It hurts. But it helps. Even for just a moment.

Monday was Alo’s birthday. He would have been 36. I’ve been dreading the day. Just as I dread all monumental dates we shared.

I try so incredibly hard everyday to just keep going forward. To keep building my new life and accept this is the way it is. And I do a good job at it. I don’t sit and think about the sadness. I don’t look at photos. I don’t tap into the hurt daily. I can’t.

But Monday morning I did. And it simply brings it all to the surface. It feels as raw as it did in the beginning. And that just doesn’t seem fair. But as I keep hearing from my mom…’life isn’t fair Carrie’. And I can’t fully agree. Why does it appear some have the most perfect lives and others are dealt the hardest cards? I can’t make sense of it.

I can’t make sense of any of this still. And it’s been over a year and a half. I look at our photos and just crumble. I want him back. I want us back. Our whole life back. And it’s not an option. I want an explanation. But there isn’t one. No one can explain why he had to be taken from this world. And where he is. And what will ever make this better.

I want an explanation of the unexplainable. And that’s frustrating and exposes so much anger. But I’ll never get one. I have to live with this hole in my heart the rest of my life. I have to admit – I constantly say ‘why me?’ why did this have to happen to me?’ He was the love of my life. He was exactly what I dreamed of when I pictured my ideal other half from a young age. Do I try to be thankful I had that for six full years? And was able to experience it? Or do I scream in rage that it was all taken in an instant? The anger is winning. And I hate that. It doesn’t help me or anyone around me to be so angry on the inside but sometimes it’s impossible to shut it out. Some say time is the only thing that will help. Because there is never going to be an explanation.

I want an explanation why life has thrown so many curve balls in the past year and a half that it’s becoming unbearable. I’ve lost 3 of the absolute closest people in my life in a year and a half. And to top it off, my parents dog of 17 years went missing as of Monday and we think he wandered off in the woods to pass away. It’s never a good time for death. That’s something I’m certain of. But can the universe not simply space out this sadness a bit? Once again, I want an explanation of the unexplainable. No one can explain why all this loss has had to happen in such a short time. Will it stop for a moment? I start to question.

I know I’m not the only one who wants and explanation of the unexplainable. The families of those taken in the recent tragedy in Nice, France. The husbands/wives/family members of the Malaysian Air flight that was never found. The families living through the war in Syria. A friend who recently unexpectedly lost her mother. The list obviously goes on and on. I’m not even scratching the surface. And I know that. I know I’m not alone. Plenty of people have to face tragedy. And so much worse than what I’ve faced. And the only option is to just keep going. Just keep swimming…

The only explanation I do have is how I’m surviving. And that’s because the strong support of friends and family…and Pearl of course. My mom is my number 1 and always will be. And she is a big reason I know I have to keep going. She is a perfect example of that everyday. She never gives up. She is the hardest worker I’ve ever met. And the most selfless being I’ll ever know. She is always by my side for these dreadful days. Just like Monday. The friends who reach out to check on me, to check in on life in general, and to just hold out their hand daily are what keep me going. The friends who make me laugh until I cry, the ones who are there for my lowest points, and the ones who put me in my place when I try to throw in the towel. Monday I did a sunset hike to McAfees Knob with two of my closest friends in Roanoke and it completely changed my attitude. I had a dark day. And the moment they blew through my front door and we changed the scenery…it’s like my mind floated elsewhere. I was dreading emotionally breaking down at the top of the mountain. The last birthday Alo celebrated, we did the longest hike possible through Khao Yai National Forest in Thailand. I thought a hike would be a way to honor him. Something he would want us to be doing together on his birthday. And yet when I reached the top of McAfees on Monday… I was fine. I was laughing. I was smiling. I was taking photo after photo (or snap after snap). I was enjoying the moment and all of its goodness. And that’s what Alo would want. He wouldn’t want me ‘leaking’ as he referred to crying, and letting my anger build. He would want me to be happy, and loving life like he always did.

‘Sometimes I feel like I’m falling
Falling fast and falling free
She said my darling you’re not falling
Always looked like you were flying to me’

I love these lyrics from Passenger. I do feel like I’m falling some days. But everyone else sees me flying. And can’t understand why I don’t see it too sometimes. So here’s to accepting there won’t always be an explanation. To being more thankful for what I do have than what I don’t. To accepting life for what it is and loving the scars as much as the flawless sides because they all make our story unique. And that’s the beautiful part.

Happy Birthday Alo. Cheers to you. I miss you more with every passing day.